Six Lies Wives Tell Their Husbands


Your mother is my mother

Ah, in your dreams. In her dreams, she probably has killed your mother many times. You don’t even want to know how the number of times she has bought rat poison to serve along with mama’s dessert. Why do you think the air conditioner in mama’s room is the coldest in the house? It’s just her upbringing and what the pastor would say that is keeping her from becoming a murderer. For as long as mama continues to check her pot of soup and act the self-appointed BoT Chairman of your marriage, I cannot guarantee her safety.

I love you just the way you are

Lose that beer gut and stop snoring and we can review that statement. Compare your flat tummy and taut muscles when you got married to that 25kg belly you are lugging around. Yeah, you have made money and so call all the shots in your home, your extra luggage is only being tolerated. And it is your snoring that she is talking about when you hear her pray against ‘noisome pestilence’ during morning devotion. Then, when she caresses your ever growing midriff, don’t smile, she is just checking to see if there has been a reduction since the last time she checked. As we speak, she is doing research on WebMD for tips on ‘how to deliver your pregnant husband’ and ‘ herbal remedies for snoring.’

It’s okay if you don’t want any more children

Whaaat? She most likely had her IUCD removed yesterday and considering you do not use umbrella or raincoat, it will soon be raining twins in your home . Unless and until you have nicely and totally convinced your wife that Junior and Mimi are all the kids you need, do not take anything for granted. Only an un­wise man believes he can order a woman to stop making babies. Very laughable. Imagine this: darling, I do not want any more children and I hereby forbid you to get pregnant. If you dare me, you will be sorry. Ah, I’m laughing again. Totally unsmart. See, when you vigorously and religiously drop your seeds in her incubator and she receives them with a smile, there is bound to be consequences and repercussion . Simple logic. And when she gets pregnant, the only person who will be sorry is you, trust me, because you cannot use a pestle to remove the seed you sowed with such dutiful effectiveness. In other words, you cannot hang your boots without your wife’s consent.

If you take a new wife, it’s your headache and I don’t care

Hmmm, it’s your headache, all right but she cares. That’s just talk and I can assure you of a severe case of migraine, not just headache. Both the new wife and the old one will join hands to make your life a perfect misery. No woman, no matter how generous, really wants to share her man and all there is to him. That she pretends not to notice that you are holed up in a five-star hotel all weekend with your latest babe after you told her you were going to Abuja does mean she doesn’t care. She just doesn’t want a confrontation and anyway, you always return home to her after every match. But a second wife is a whole new level. She will fight you with everything she’s got and redefine terrorism. That C of O she obtained on your wedding day is not what can be divided. So, unless you are ready for multiple explosions, don’t believe that lie, otherwise, your home will become Sambisa forest.

I lost my virginity at 25 and I had only two boy­friends before I met you

Ah, do you really want to know? Reminds me of the lyrics of ‘Tonight’ by Betty Wright. Some have to think back a little bit farther than others about the first night but how many women will tell husbands the truth about that night. Unless it’s the husband who cut the tape himself. She probably was ‘sworn in’ at 15 and backdated it. But then there is no way husbands can verify such historic occasions, just shrug off the confession. It is 90% untrue anyway. As for the list of your predecessors, it can never be long because every woman keeps the short list. You don’t expect her to tell you every­thing, including the affair with the boss, NYSC camp commandant, the night she got drunk, the handsome hunk she did just for fun or the celebrity she dated for kicks…. No, you get to hear the edited version, thank you.

The Bensons’ party is next week but you don’t have to buy the aso-ebi

Ah ah ah. That is subtle blackmail if I ever heard one. She expects you to do the ‘needful’. That unnecessary reminder is to put a picture in your mind of your wife as the only one in a crowd without the ‘uniform’. Just provide the funds and save yourself the grief of further reminders. Because if she buys it with her own money, you will never hear the last of it.


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