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WAEC Seized My English Result Twice – Patrick Obahiagbon

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Honourable in an interview with Punch Newspaper revealed his WAEC Results were seized twice ‘cos of the ‘big grammars’ he used

Punch: Did you write exams in school in these big words?
Hourable: I used such words very-very freely in my exams both at the secondary school and in my university and little wonder I had the misfortune of my English results being seized intermittently in my O’ Levels. WAEC released my results for the other subjects and withheld my English result. This happened for about three years. Twice, I passed the University Matriculation Examination but I could not proceed to the University because of my English results that were not released. At the end of the day, it was released after the third attempt.

Punch: Why do you always use ‘big grammar’?
Honourable: I am not really consensus ad idem with those who opine that my idiolect is advertently obfuscative. No no no, it’s just that I am in my elements when the colloquy has to do with the pax nigeriana of our dreams and one necessarily needs to fulminate against the alcibiadian modus vivendi of our prebendal political class.

Punch: How do you talk to your wife, children and even your friends?
Honourable: I relate with my family and friends very warmly and in an atmosphere of camaraderie, stripped of my confutational habiliment and gladiatorial homilies. I am a very peaceful, calm, level-headed and celestially attuned soul personality.

Punch: Is this the way you proposed to your wife, speaking high tech grammar?
Honourable: Of course, the business of the day when I interfaced with mywife on matters of the heart had to be in plain Caeser’s languageand you can decipher why that had to be so. The matter in view did not permit itself of sphinxian conundrum.

Punch: Do you know that many people don’t take you too seriously when
you talk because they think you are not communicating?
Honourable: Why will I be perturbed from ensconcing myself in the palatable arms of Morpheus because people have deprived themselves of the cultivation of the regime of the mental magnitude? I read all the farrago of baloneys and vacuous bunkum from pepper soup objurgators. The spirit of animadversion remains their fundamental
human right. It also remains an indubitable fact that I get millions and millions of requests daily from people all over the world requesting for my verbal mentorship which positive cosmopolitan reactions have assisted my equipoise and righteous sense of pachydermatous garb. I cannot put my nose to the grindstone daily and expect to be understood by those luxuriating in a modus vivendi, verging on pepper souping, goat heading, suyaing, big stouting and isiewulising. Has a philosophical wag not once pontificated that things of the spirit are spiritually discerned and that it takes the deep to call the deep? We will speak more on this matter of critiques and chichi dodo another day.

Punch: Why do you pull your trousers up beyond the waist?
Honourable: Hahahaha….That trousers style is called Yohji Yamamoto. It was my own audacious statement to remonstrate against the pervasive tendency of Nigerians especially our youths that took to the practice of putting on trousers exposing their lower anatomical contours and I will do it over and over again.

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